Thanksgiving Day! Wow! What a concept, but what a hoax. We pick one day out of 365 and say "This is the day to be THANKFUL"...well, the truth is that when I come home to my "less than joyful" family I don't have warm fuzzies of being thankful for all that I have...therefore I enter into this crazy spin cycle of feeling guilty for not feeling so "Thankful" at the one time a year that you are supposed to feel thankful...
Ugh! Well, what am I to do with this? I have pondered this dilemma for the last 24 hours...and the thing that hurts me the most is that whenever I come home to Miami and visit with my family, I don't feel good, there is a lot of negative feelings that come out of me. I always feel upset, hurt, depressed, impatient, frustrated, annoyed, and yes...none of them are good feelings. I know, this is crazy. I mean, not to mention the guilt I feel for being a "pastor" and moving to a community to live in other people's brokenness and I can't event deal with my own broken mess...
I often feel that when I am around my family, I am not myself. I hate the fact that I like myself better when I am not with them...I find it hard to be who I am around them. I don't have the same passion and zeal for life or the motivation to play and be fun. I feel so blah! Is this an evil spirit...could Satan and his evil empire be at the heart of this...or is this all my fault (just bring on the guilt)? At the end of the day, I know that it is my responsibility to control my feelings and behavior. But it's just too damn hard!
So, here it is just a couple of nights before the Big Turkey Day when we all give thanks to the proverbial thanksgiving gods, gorge ourselves with tasty treats, and feel good about the few days of R&R that we enjoy before another year comes to an end as we open presents and realize we are too broke and over indulged for our own good.
And...
I don't FEEL thankful...but, I am thankful. I choose to be thankful because God's grace allows me to choose being thankful for the many amazing things in my life over being ungrateful. In my flesh, in my sin, I am ungrateful...I cannot without God's grace choose gratefulness but because of His love for me...I am thankful.
Lord, I find it so much easier to be thankful (in my flesh) when I am not with my family. Help me to put my confidence in you (Jeremiah 17:5-9) so that because of your grace I might choose thankfulness over hopelessness...I am thankful for You!
Hard Things
6 years ago
3 comments:
i am the same way when i go home. lots of feelings that go away once we leave home suddenly come back when we return. its good to work through those.
im glad i get to spend thanksgiving with you and my family this year. away from miami and the chaos and the traditions....
its time we start some new ones.
It is only because of God that I can deal with my families year after year on these hollidays. Every year it becomes more difficult to deal with seeing my mom and dad looking like old people close to being called home than the loving people who raised me. Its almost as hard as dealing with selfishness of the other family. I feel your pain in this and rejoice with you on who God is and how he gets us through these "joyous" times.
I will miss you all for thanksgiving. I am thankful for you Carbos, and Meg ...
and as far as your blog goes ... heard
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